Grief & Empathy

It’s Monday, May 13th. Four days ago I had to say my final goodbye to Beautiful Bella. I’m not going to go into all of it in this post, but Bella was in our lives for nearly 11 years. The final four months she was diagnosed with cancer. She refused to eat. We kept her alive so that she could enjoy her walkies and bask in the sun on the deck… we kept her alive by feeding her food through a syringe. Twice a day. She got sick. a lot. and she was on a full cocktail of meds that was constantly changing as the cancer in her body grew.

Now that she is gone, I grieve her loss. The hole that she left in our home. Our 9month old puppy, Izzy, seems lost without Bella.

And every day that I miss her. And every time that I cry. … I begin to feel guilty.

Empathy is one of my strongest “strengths”… but it also feels like my kryptonite.

When we lost Tucker (10 months ago) I felt the same sense of empathy guilt. Tucker’s final days were different. Yes, we had to help him, but his life didn’t quite as literally depend on us.

With Bella’s cancer…. I think of all the things we did to keep her healthy. She had insurance. She got her teeth cleaned once a year. She always had her shots. She ate out of a slow feeder bowl. She got carrots for treats. And yet…. cancer doesn’t care.

She fought it. We fought it for her. We all fought so hard. But fucking cancer doesn’t care.

And as the pain wells up in my heart and my chest… suddenly it becomes absolutely crushing. I mourn  more than the loss of my dog. I mourn for and with all the people that I’ve known that have love and lost. Those humans that have lost pets. Those humans that have lost other humans. Especially to cancer.

For some will say that they “beat” cancer. That they fought cancer. But cancer doesn’t. fucking. care how hard you fight. It’s not a battle you can decide to win.

To watch the one you love slowly fade. The sparkle in their eyes become a faint twinkle. Eventually growing so tired ….

I don’t know how people do it. I feel the weight of everyone who has ever lost.

My friend lost her mom to cancer.

My cousin lost her mom to cancer.

My mom lost her cat to cancer.

My husband lost his mentor to cancer.

My hairdresser lost her mom to cancer.

My friend’s husband is currently fighting cancer.

My friend is currently “recovered” from cancer.

My grandma fought cancer and hasn’t been the same since.

My friend’s mom battled cancer and survived.

And so many more….

The weight is crushing. The sorrow drowns me.

But the lesson must be that we love each other when we can, while we can.

Suitcase of Life

Have you ever gone on a trip?

You know that feeling when you’re getting ready, and you’re packing your suitcase? You pull all the things you need out of your closet, out of the dresser drawers, the bathroom cabinet, and the odds & ends around the house. You begin to fold, roll, and wrap. As the suitcase begins to fill, you fold a little more, roll and wrap a little tighter, and give a slight compression as you cram it into the last remaining space. With just a few more items to put in the front pocket, you are done packing. As you close the lid, the zipper sticks. So you sit on the suitcase, squashing all the carefully packed contents, and yank the zipper closed.

You wheel your overpacked suitcase to the airline counter for check-in; and they tell you it’s over the baggage weight, so you will owe an additional charge. It’s either pay the charge, or unpack your suitcase there in front of the other travelers and airline agents, and decide what precious items can be hand carried, or disposed of, under the immense pressure of time and judgement.

We’ve all been there. … Wishing we could rewind back to when we were packing the bag and wish we’d been more intentional or practiced some scrutiny while packing in the first place.

**

I’m here to tell you, that our lives are a lot like these suitcases. Along the way, we fold memories, emotions, old conversations said and unsaid, away into our life’s suitcase. Sometimes we choose to pack up emotions that, much like that fifth pair of shoes for our two day trip, really aren’t necessary.

Emptying out life’s suitcase for all the world to see can get really messy… and if forced to hand carry these memories, would we?

The excess baggage fee for life is far more expensive than what any airline would charge.

So, we must continually practice mindfulness and act with intention in deciding what we put into our suitcase.

For in this life, We only get one.

 

 

Recap of 2017

Wow… What a year.

The theme for the year was “Uplifting”. The meaning of that word changed as the year went on… what started as a thought to uplift others, turned into uplifting myself.

January

– Gregg started his new job as deputy director of public safety, working for Gov. Greitens in Jefferson City.

– I attended my ELDP Offsite in San Antonio, Texas

February

– Stayed in New Braunfels after the ELDP offsite so that I could attend Great Grandma’s 97th birthday celebration. I went to a Painting night out with Mom and cousins. I got to see my sisters, Alexis and Allison for breakfast (before Allison takes off on her year-long roam the country in her car adventure)

March

– During the Crossfit Open, I finally got my first Bar Muscle Up. I’ve been wanting this for so long and I got it during a workout, on a Friday night, with so many friends around. Cheering and celebrating my success with me!

– Attended my first (of four) Greater Missouri Leadership Challenge (GMLC) sessions. This was in Jefferson City/Columbia. What an amazing group of women. That first day we were asked to use one word to describe how we were feeling. Mine was “imposter”. All these women were so successful and I was feeling very down on myself and my accomplishments. Many of these strangers are now my friends.

– Gregg updated the 2nd floor bathroom.

April

–  Gregg went to St Louis Cardinals opening day with Gov. Greitens… I went a few days later for Jay Davis memorial night.

– Did Yoga in the back yard and prepared for an amazing trip…

– PR’d a bunch of lifts. Squat: 255#. Clean: 185#. OHS: 175#…. and Deadlift (my favorite lift) at 385#

May

– Spent one week in Australia!!! It was for work. I only had a day and a half prior to the work week to explore Brisbane. It was beautiful. And I love it. I want to go back!

– Two days after getting home from Australia woke up with some pretty severe leg/back/hip pain. Ended up getting admitted to the hospital and having emergency microdiscectomy for a herniated disc between my L5/S1.  This was on Memorial Day weekend. Possibly the scariest moment of my life yet.

June

– Recovering from back surgery, my mom came up to spend time with me. She and I worked from my home and I am forever appreciative of her support. I had to learn how to use a “reacher” and I could only take walks…. no working out.

– Still recovering from my back surgery, I missed my ELDP graduation (in Oklahoma City) and also missed the 2nd GMLC meeting (in Kansas City).  Unable to travel.

– At the ELDP graduation ceremony I was recognized by my peers for “Delivering Results”

July

– Still recovering from back surgery, but getting a bit more active. Attended the Indian Hills Swim Club luau with the Favre clan.

– Returned to crossfit to workout (scaled, but maybe not scaled enough) with my friend Nikki!

August

– Took a random mid-week day off and went to FLOAT with Gregg. I loved it. He hated it.

– Gregg spent his birthday in Jefferson City. When he came home that Friday, we went to Russell’s.  As we do every friday night.

– Rosalina (same day as Gregg) turned 1 and we celebrated at Barbara & Jack’s on Highfield with the Maxfields. Our present to her was a contribution to her college fund (which ended up being a generic savings plan) and will be a gift we keep giving.

– Gregg started growing his hair out and we went to more ballgames (including the Boeing Box).

– Gregg and I spent a day redoing our basement gym. Painting the walls. Buying more equipment. It’s the best.

– Witnessed a full solar eclipse (for about 1minute) from my backyard. Practically a spiritual experience

– Truly the scariest point in my life, ever, admitted Gregg to the hospital for an emergency surgery. His small intestine ruptured and he was septic. I thought I was going to lose him. I didn’t leave his side unless I had to. Nikki stayed with me during his surgery and his family took care of our house and dogs. Eric came to see Gregg. We were in the hospital for about a week. This was Labor Day weekend.

September

– Gregg heals much quicker than me… and I was able to leave him (albeit I was nervous) to attend my third GMLC trip in Kirksville. I learned a LOT on this trip about agriculture.

– Gregg was medically cleared literally a few days before he worked some intense stuff in STL for Officer Stockly verdict (several days of protests and some riots).  Preventing it from becoming a Ferguson situation.

– Joined the Favre family in the Green Seats at Busch stadium! My first time ever.

October

– Celebrated the marriage of Andy and Emily in Kansas City. Spending some time with Corby and Sue and really enjoying ourselves even though it was a quick trip.

– Celebrated the marriage of my cousin Kelsey and Steve in New Braunfels! Spending time with my mom, staying at my aunt margie’s house. And got to see Great Grandma again – she’s amazing. Another quick trip.  But truly wonderful.

– Spent a week at the Boeing Leadership Center as part of a class for Accelerating Value Integrator Performance (AVIP). This was a 3-4 month long class with several phases.

– Celebrated OUR marriage…. eleven years of love. We went to Russell’s on a Friday night. Because that’s what we do. 🙂

– For my birthday, Gregg spoiled me and bought me an Apple Watch. that evening we went to Eric’s house and had dinner with the Greitens… including S’mores by the fire pit. Nikki sent me a fruit/chocolate basket.

– My back is bothering me lots, so I start Physical Therapy.

November

– Hosted my second Thanksgiving at our house! This time, I didn’t have my mom to help. I switched up the menu a bit. It’s always fun bringing the china out and feeding people good food.

– Attended my 4th and final (until i go next year to make up the KC trip) GMLC session in STL. I learned quite a bit about large corporations in my own home town.

– Found out that I got a PROMOTION! I was accepted into the Business Leadership Rotation Program (a manager rotation program) that starts in January.

– Traveled to Dallas for work – a face to face with the Financial Planning team

December

– Back out to the BLC for a week for the BLRP kick off!!

– Travel out to Seattle for final phase of AVIP – out brief of project and tour the 737 production line in Renton

– Got the new iPhone X

– Went to the Missouri Botanical Garden Glow with Nikki, Ryan, and Griffin (the “Clanx” family)

– Got the flu on my first day off of work – missing all of the Christmas Eve festivities. but Gregg finished up shopping, wrapped most of the presents, and even learned how to make the traditional sausage cheese bread! He put his own spin on it with bacon  (of course).

– Christmas always makes me feel blessed and thankful. Gregg gave me Tucker socks!

– Did a 6am workout with Nikki.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought.

– Tucker has been having more bad days than good, so we had a geriatric consultation with a vet specialist. He’s officially on home hospice care. Where we just focus on managing his pain.

– New Years Eve… made an amazing homemade dinner (i’m actually getting pretty good at pinterest recipes) and watched a movie all snuggled on the couch. At the stroke of midnight we were all in our bedroom… snuggling the pups.

Gregg’s new gig

As I was giving Gregg a hug goodbye, standing outside of his new office building in Jefferson City… just 24 hours after watching our friend, Eric Greitens get sworn in as the 56th Governor of the state of Missouri… I hugged him a little longer than normal. 

Gregg has been appointed as the Deputy Director of Public Safety for the State. And he will be spending several days a week in Jeff… while I hold down the fort in STL.

He said something that I will always remember… an excellent example of the fire and passion that burns within him.  He smiled as he said goodbye and said… “I have 6.8million people to go protect”

 

And with that, like so many other times as I sent him to the firehouse… I watched him walk off.  Knowing we were all in his hands. And the world would be better for it.

Jump

Sometimes through the course of this life there may come a point when you decide to go left…when you would have naturally gone right. Or you may decide to say “yes” even though everything that is comfortable and safe would mean that you say “no”. 

Sometimes there are days that alter the trajectory of your life without even knowing it.

But then, there are those days that you KNOW you have made a conscious and deliberate decision to jump. 

The decision to jump doesn’t come easy. You may evaluate it from every angle, questioning whether you have the strength or the ability to stick the landing. The jump is terrifying and thrilling all at the same time.

This is because the jump takes you from the comfortable, familiar path you are on… to uncharted new territory. If it didn’t rattle your nerves just a little bit, then I might question your sanity. It’s okay to be scared when plunging into the new unknown… But once you’ve decided to jump… you must do it with Gusto. You must Live as if there is no other option than Jumping.

My own Words of Motivation

This life is a series of winding roads with twists, turns, hills, valleys, and plateaus all along the way. There will come a point in your life when you come across an obstacle so heavy you can’t move it, so big you can’t go around it, and so deep it feels like it’s crushing your soul. While this may sound like pure torture, an obstacle this looming and this large may only be seen, and can only be conquered, by those who dare to dream of a better life.

It’s at these moments, when you’re down trodden and aching and questioning every fiber in your being… that you must awaken the warrior inside of you. Don’t let them tell you that you are not good enough. Don’t let them force you into a state of complacency. Don’t let them dictate the path you take or how far you go on that path. 

You are intelligent. You are kind. And you’re a damn hard worker. You know that you deserve better and when you find yourself questioning what it is that you do with your days… know this… that you must find the passion that burns the fire inside of you.

This life is only worthwhile when you wake in the morning with joy and energy. When you make a difference in your own life and in those around you.

Summon your strength, that you know you have, and size up this obstacle. You can go off the beaten path to trek around it. Or you can mount the side, finding footholds and grip with all your might to climb over it. Or hell, pick that shit up and move it. But most importantly, do not let it stop you. Do not let it hinder your life’s journey. Do not let it define you.

This is the time that you rise above; take that next leap; and make it better.

Crossfit Open 16.5

Was My first in completed Open workout. I was busy celebrating Greggs graduation in California. 

Flying out to Cali on Thursday… It’s basically an all day travel day. The wod was announced as I was driving PCH 1.

Friday was the actual graduation. And it was a wonderfully memorable day. Ceremony. Pictures. Eating at the Wharf market. Ending the night watching the sun set into the Pacific Ocean from one of the golf courses in Pebble Beach caked Inn at Spanish Bay. 

Saturday morning I called the local crossfit gym for information on when I could drop in and do 16.5. The guy was a bit of a jerk on the phone. They did it Friday night and didn’t have the room or staff for any drop ins. Saturday we walked the beach and saw many sites including Carmel-by-the-sea. 

Sunday was Easter. We had brunch and drank Prosecco by the reflecting pool

I thought I might try to do the open in the gym on base… But in order to be validated is supposed to be done at an affiliate. Additionally, they only had lifting platforms and prohibited doing the bar. My thrusters would be dropped and the platforms are too small for burpees. 

So I gladly took my DNS and enjoyed my vacation. I’ll eventually do it… because I do like the retest. But it won’t be this weekend. I’m back in a plane ….to denver… For my sisters wedding! 

Crossfit Open 16.4

Well it finally came in the fourth week…. A CHIPPER! (My favorite) with some movements I can crush! But the catch (there’s always a catch) it ended with a movement that I’m not great at…

• 13 min AMRAP
• 55 DEADLIFTS @155#
• 55 Wall balls 14# to 9′ target
• 55 calorie row
• 55 handstand pushups 

The deadlifts, while many reps, were a breeze. At less than 50% of my 1RM, I wanted to blaze thru them. But my coach (and many people on the Internet) advised to break it up. I did sets of 3, then 2, then 1. Keeping an eye on the clock I slow rolled it and finished around 3:30. 

Taking off my belt and grabbing a swig of water, I moved on to wall balls. Lately I’ve been hitting the 10′ target during class so the 9′ felt pretty good. I broke them up into 5 with little rest between sets. The rests got a little longer when I was in the 35s… But over all felt good. Walking to the rower around 6:57….

I settled in at a nice 910cal/hr or so pace. This was just a mental four minutes. Not hard. In fact, kept myself from burning out or going to quick. It was all about trying to keep my heart rate down…. At 10:52 I got off the rower.

i waited until 11:30 or so to catch my breath and gather my thoughts before kicking up into the handstand. Hands on the smooth kilo plates…. My head came down on the ab mat. I curled up and kupped out. With a full press out… My feet surely crossed the line but didn’t touch the wall…. And I fell away.  I kicked down…. Tried again. Nope. I got so mad I punched the wall…. Flashbacks to last year when I couldn’t do the Hspu. (Then I could not press out. Now I couldn’t find the wall)…. Eventually I gave 5-6 attempts and only completed one rep that counted. And the buzzer went off. 

Literally the first 165 reps felt like nothing for me. A minor inconvenience.  But that ONE  rep for the Hspu was the hardest fought. 

Many of my friends are good at Hspu… And they were weighed down by the first several movements… Only to rise above in the end with more Hspu reps. 

Another ego check at the box…..

  

Crossfit Open 16.3

• 7min Amrap
• 10 power snatches (55#)
• 3 bar MU

…..
I can’t being to tell you how pissed off I was that BAR muscle ups came in the open this year. I have been working so hard on the ring muscle ups (in fact I got 4 consecutive just the other day!)… But I can’t  figure out how to do it on the bar. 

After the announcement was made on Thursday night, I spent so much time watch “how to” videos and visualizing all day Friday. I told myself that I would test on Friday and then allow myself a retest over the weekend. 

Friday evening I get to the gym and I do drills for 30+ minutes. In that time I never came close. I kept doing c2b. But yet if I got one of the light bands I could get up there no problem. One of the coaches said rings require strength but bar is skill. I think they both require a bit of both. 

I had a wonderful suppport system. All my friends offering tips and expressing their confidence in my ability. Unfortunately, I got a pretty nasty blood blister and had to stop drilling. And in the interest of my hands and safety, I decided not to test. 

I stuck around to watch others, and I was so inspiring (and slightly upsetting) to watch athlete after athlete get all the bar MU. Some for the first time!  Most of these athletes can’t do rings but were knocking it out of the park on the bar. 

I went home Friday night and drained the blood blister. Saturday morning it was feeling okay so I decided to test… Hop on the bar and it rips open. And deep under a thick callous. 

So I tape it up and do the prescribed workout. Sunday I came in and did a cardio heavy hero workout… Barely touching a bar.

Monday, I’m out of time. Two hours before scores are due, I tape up my hand and give it a go. Again, surrounded by friends trying to help… I actually started to get high enough to turn over. Lost my grip and landed on my forearm. I hit my chin and bit my lip. And didn’t get a mu. 

I continued trying for 6 minutes and never got one. Frustrated….and a little embarrassed… I know I have another thing on my list of things to work on! 

Part of me thinks, if my hand wasnt torn and I could drill and retest more, then I would have made it.but is wasted time wondering about that now. And I made the decision to protect my hand. 

Almost a week later my hand looks great (it wouldn’t have if I kept going) and 3 days later the forearm bruise is fading. 

  
…now, I await the announcement of 16.4 tonight.

My “give-afuck-o-meter” seems to be on E…. So I hope I can kick it. 

Crossfit Open 16.2

Like I mentioned last time, my gym is doing the open workouts in Friday night. I opted to do 16.2 on Saturday morning. 

This worked much bettee for me, personally. I was more rested and ready to give a little bit more. Which I nneeded mentally to fight the dreaded double Unders. 

  

Buying another 4 minute time block every time you complete the clean ladder. For Rx women the cleans started 15@85#, 13@115#, 11@145#…..and went up from there.

I told my friend Nikki that I would be happy to make it to the 115# bc the double Unders would get me. After seeing some of the other girls in my gym get past the 115# and even some got all the way back to 145# clean! I really began to question my abilities. 

First round of toes to bar, i followed a strategy of many and did singles from a box. Shaking my hands out every 5. This almost felt like cheating it was so easy. But it worked an entirely different group of muscles and kept my heart rate in check. 

First set of DU I planned to do in two sets of 25. A miss count between me and my judge said I broke at 23.

Cleans at 85#… Consistent with many others I did them on singles. Just get right back on the bar. 

I completed within 3ish mins and banked an extra minute for the next round. 

T2B – unchanged except I shook out brethren 3-5 reps. 

DU-WHEELS fell off. They were so incredibly frustrating. I wasted a lot of time trying to collect myself. Eventually I finished but I only had less than 1 minute to do my cleans. 

I was wiped out from the du and 115# has never felt so heavy. In the end I got 5 cleans in 50 seconds. And time ran out. 

Unless I completely bomb a workout, I am not retesting this year. So… I must accept that as my score and move on. 

Like every year, the open gives me a renewed sense to work on my weaknesses! 

Current standings: 

7/37: CF314 girls

21/71: CF314